Diary Of A Madman

It’s been quite some time since my last posting, and unfortunately a lot has happened in between. I am now in my second semester at Corning Community College. My first semester was rather difficult to get used to so my grades weren’t as good as I had hoped they would be. I received an A (4.0) in Computer Essentials, a B+ (3.3) in English Composition I, a C (2.0) in General Psychology, and an F (0) in Structured & Object Problem Solving. Psychology gave me a bit of trouble through the mid-term because I don’t necessarily agree with everything that was in that text, and there was a great deal to cover because it was an introductory class. Structured & Object I got, I just couldn’t do what the instructor wanted. Although I like the instructor as a person, his teaching methodology was seriously flawed. Pseudo-code does not incorporate a structured language specific criteria, so as long as you can get the ideology across, it should suffice. If you are working with C/C++, why not use C terminology? If you are using Basic, why not Basic, etc? So I was in the final when I realized that I don’t want to be a programmer, turned in a blank sheet of paper, and walked out. I like psychology much more than pseudo-code, but unfortunately for me, this class is required for most degrees in computer technology. The why I don’t get since I have yet to meet someone who actually uses it, and no software company has ever asked me to return a report in pseudo-code.

Toward the end of the semester I was recruited by a local company to help them set up an IT Department. At first things were rocky because the hires needed an extreme amount of training in both hardware and software. Then everything got put on hold as the Board of Directors decided to change management. I was asked to stay on and continue, and I did for a bit. However, when the new management took over, we no longer agreed on the direction of the department. So I gave my resignation, and quit just before the fall semester began. What is interesting is that I liked everyone personally, and it seems that they might have liked me as well. Whenever they find themselves in a situation that they must go outside the business for assistance, they still call me for help. It would have been fulfilling to see my plans for the department reach fruition, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for you.

It’s the first break of two for the fall semester, and so far I’m passing all my classes. Considering that I’m a taking a night course, an on-line course, and regular courses to equal 17 credits, I’m happy with my overall performance. Once I get my grades I’ll know exactly what areas I’m weak in, and can focus harder on them. The only thing I do know is that I have a 97 for the only test taken in Abnormal Psychology, as well as a 90 quiz average for the class. The thing is that I have always had a thing for psychology, much more so than computers, but I hate drama. lol. Go figure!

I received an e-mail from someone asking for my help with the Pink Lillies Template. I’m not a CSS expert, but after visiting the person’s blog, I think that I understand what is going on with the background. So I’ll give it a shot, and we’ll see if I might be right. In the meantime, I hope to update more regularly now that my schedule has settled down to its normal helter skelter pace once again.

This evening at 11:29 PM I was on my way to the nearby Wal-Mart, when I suddenly realized the importance of video games. I live in a somewhat rural community in Upstate, New York, and this means that I must drive 9 and 3/10th miles to the local Wal-Mart. The stretch of road which lies closest is a County Route, and known for animal traffic. Any time of the year you can find anything from skunks to deer alongside the road. The amount of traffic accidents caused by deer just before the opening of deer season is especially high when compared to the rest of the year.

Tonight I was in need of certain products for the next day’s business, and this required travelling late at night to Wal-Mart since it is open 24 hours of the day. I was less than a mile away from the store, and just about to cross onto an overpass when I suddenly saw a deer in the middle of the road. Noticing the deer, even with high beams on was difficult at best, because both sides of the road were lined with very tall trees. I immediately stepped on my breaks, and the car slightly swerved to the right. At that very same moment, the deer made an attempt to bolt into my path to get to the other side of the road. Since the car had begun to swerve slightly to the right, and I had to release the break to remain in control, I had less than a second to make a critical decision.

I knew that at my present course I was headed for an inevitable head-on collision with a rather large doe at forty-five miles an hour. Without any hesitation, I turned into the swerve and floored the gas pedal. Suddenly I saw the muzzle of the doe almost against my driver’s side window as I began to pass by her. In a single second, what could have ended in disasterous results for both me and the doe never came to pass. Instead I found myself breathing calmly and asking myself if I should not be excited or frightened. It was at that moment when the thought crossed my mind that perhaps all the hours spent playing video games had actually been worthwhile? I couldn’t help but laugh at that thought as I imagined what it would be like to explain it to someone not addicted to video games. Fortunately for me, I would like to believe that video game playing has allowed me to keep my reflexes sharp. Otherwise how else do I justify the money I spend on such entertainment?

October 28, is the anniversary of my father’s death. He died of a stroke, but was already lost to the family due to Alzheimer’s disease. There are a number of chapters in my life which I do not discuss, but I have decided to place certain ones in this blog in the hopes that it might help someone to recognize that they are not alone.

My father’s name was Dennis, and he was born on December 6, 1942. He quit high school at the age of sixteen, if I remember correctly. He joined the Army and served a tour in Vietnam. He was then transferred to Korea, where he met and married my mother. In order to marry her, he was forced to serve a second tour in Vietnam before being discharged.

He spent his time after the service raising a family, and working two, and sometimes three jobs. He, just like his father, was a proud man. He had suffered injuries to his hip, neck, and back due to his various careers, but refused to allow the pain to stop him from supporting his family. He eventually became a life insurance salesman, where his determination resulted in his receiving numerous awards. Although his one unspoken dream was to receive a college degree, he repeatedly sacrificed that dream to ensure that there was always food on the table, a roof overhead, and clothes on the family’s backs at all times.

When he was 42, he was forced to accept Social Security Disability in lieu of a paycheck because the pain eventually won out over his determination. Previously he had undergone corrective surgery, which included fusing vertebrae, but without much success. I was overseas in the service when my father confided his feelings about being labeled disabled. It was a very dramatic moment mixed with pleasure and pain in a single conversation. I announced my engagement, my father revealed the family’s new financial situation, and then he disclosed that my Aunt was in the hospital with lung cancer, an aunt who had never smoked a single day in her life. As I look back on that conversation, I believe that he picked that particular moment with the intention to downplay the effect it was having upon him emotionally.

In 1990, I decided that I would seek sobriety after watching my addiction destroy the relationship I once had with the woman I had then loved. I left the relationship with my clothes and personal belongings, leaving virtually everything else with her so that her and her son would not suffer further due to my stupidity. I moved back in with my parents, and cut all my ties with my former friends and acquaintances, which I know now to have actually been a mistake. I employed all my time and energy into a self-owned business as a means to keep sober. However life with my parents was no longer what it had once been as a child growing up, and the reasons became apparent as to why years later.

When I was living with my parents, I was also running the business out of their home. At the time I had little choice, and they understood this, because the business was based purely upon $300 and my determination and belief in my skills. When the business floundered for the first two years everyone, including my parents, was surprised when it suddenly took off with a tremendous roar. However at the same time the business came into its own, the relationship between my father and me started to become strained.

He would pick up the telephone while I was in the middle of a conversation and instigate an argument, or intentionally attempt to embarrass me. He would walk up to potential customers and place a pocket knife’s blade next to their necks, and discuss what he could do to them because he had been in Vietnam. When I relocated the business to avoid these situations, I was happy to see me parents visit and check on my progress. However in less than a week he began repeating his actions in my place of work.

I knew something was not right with my father’s actions, and would always attempt to soothe over the customer. I cannot begin to determine the amount of money this appeasement cost me in inventory or labor. I also reported my concerns about my father’s behavior to my family, but was dismissed out of hand. It was then that I once again relocated the business. Unlike the previous time, neither the business nor I would openly welcome my family.

Months passed with very little communication between me and my family. Then one day my family requested a family meeting which included my parents and sisters. At the family meeting, everyone was discussing the changes in my father’s behavior. They believed that he had suffered a nervous breakdown, and that I was the sole responsible cause for it. I was being ostracized from the family because of my unsavory past, even though I was no longer that person. With a heavy heart I packed all my remaining belongings in my parents’ home, and did not look back. Possibly the most significant issue was the fact that my father said little throughout the entire meeting.

It still saddens me even now when I look back on that day. Too often people believe that they must sacrifice friends or family to move on with their lives. Sometimes this is due to the changes that they wish to make within themselves, or because they fail to recognize the changes in others. I, myself, did the same thing when I initially chose sobriety. However that day taught me that it is not right to discard people from your past simply because you do not wish to be reminded of it. Those who are true friends do not bring up the past, nor do they fail to accept the changes in you. Unfortunately what resulted that day with my family can never be mended, simply because I choose not to forget. As a result I remain openly distant from them, even though I have never refused any of their requests for help.

Eventually with me no longer in the picture, the issues concerning my father’s behavior became much worse. My family began taking him to see various doctors in an attempt to discover the cause, and return him to the man he once was. It was eventually determined that he had Alzheimer’s disease, and my family began to allow any possible cure to be tested upon my father.

I remember the day that my mother told me that my father had been put through electro-shock therapy. I went to visit him at their home after hearing that news. My father, the once proud man, now shuffled with each step he took. He stuttered when he spoke, if he spoke at all. Tears would flow forth from his eyes for no apparent reason. He looked at me with the same eyes of that of a child. After seeing my father in that condition I was never more outraged in my entire life.

I left my parents’ home with the actual intention of killing someone. When I say that, I am not speaking of just an emotional desire, but of a literal intent to murder the physician who had inflicted such damage upon my father. I began to drive to where my father had received the electro-shock therapy. I envisioned images of strapping the individuals to a gurney, and placing the electrodes upon their bodies. I would then follow my father’s records to ensure that they knew exactly what they had done to that once proud man. No amount of begging would have ceased their torment. As an individual who has spent half his life working with electricity I am well aware of just how painful it can be when applied, and I wanted these imbeciles to understand just how little they truly understood before I killed them with my bare hands.

I have no memory of the remainder of that day or night. I only know that I never fulfilled my burning desire for retribution. Whether I pulled off to the side of the road to cry on behalf of my father, or whether I simply returned home in defeat is something I might never discover.

Much later I found myself in the hospital due to a back injury. My mother came to visit, and told me that my father had been admitted to the same hospital and that I should visit. I went to visit my father lost amidst the throng of mentally ill, and my heart cried out in agony. A few days later my mother visited me crying about the severe diaper rash on my father’s derriere, and explained that she was afraid to complain because she was worried that it would effect my father’s treatment.

I went to see my father after that meeting, and to determine how serious the issue was with his care. I was asked to return in an hour to take my father for a walk, or I could change him myself, or I could simply take him as is. I took my father outside for a walk, unaware that his diaper was filled with feces, until the outside breeze wafted past us. It was then that I knew my mother was correct, and that even though I felt compassion for the nurses, something had to be done on my father’s behalf.

I went to the head nurse’s office of that floor the next day, and sat down as I waited for her to finish typing her report out of courtesy. She was startled by my appearance when she had completed the report, even though I had made no attempt to conceal my entrance. I apologized for startling her, and then explained both my mother’s and my concerns over my father’s treatment. Later that afternoon my mother came to inform me that the hospital had banned me from visiting my father again.

Enraged over the apparent attempt at retaliation, I demanded that the hospital’s administration investigate into the reasons for my ban. The next day I met with the administrator of the hospital to find that the ban was indeed retaliatory, and that it was now lifted. However shortly afterwards my mother removed my father from the hospital’s care out of fear that the situation might escalate and be inflicted upon my father. I only saw my father a couple of times after he left the hospital, because I was unfortunately rebuilding my life after another failed relationship.

Then one day I was in the hospital receiving a bone scan for an injury received in military service. While in the middle of the procedure, I heard the announcement over the PA system for all the members of the family to gather at a specific room number. Even though I had no idea as to what was going on at the time, I felt it was concerning my father. I immediately asked them to stop the procedure, and then made it perfectly clear that I was leaving regardless. I changed back into my clothing, and went to the room previously mentioned to find my mother, two sisters, and their husbands gathered at my father’s bedside.

I was told that while awaiting a doctor’s appointment, my father had suffered a stroke in the doctor’s waiting room. Now I have intentionally skipped over my father’s open-heart surgery and other areas due to the length of this post.

We all stood by as my father eventually gasped his last breath. As my sisters and mother burst into tears, I approached my father and kissed him upon his forehead. I told him that I loved him, and then isolated myself and my feelings so that I remained calm on the outside.

I remember when I was eight and how my father had pushed me away when I attempted to hug and thank him for my Christmas presents. I also remember since that time we have only hugged once. Not when I left to join the service, but when I chose to remain in Arizona while they returned to New York. Even though we were never physically close, it was I who my family turned to when my father became steadfast. Instead of demanding anything from my father, I would simply explain how he would act, if he actually took the time to think about the situation. I have no idea why my father ever listened to me, but I would like to believe that it was due to a closeness which did not need to be defined by physical contact.

There are no winners when it comes to how certain diseases affect a family. Whether it is addiction, cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, or anything else, there are simply no winners. There are simply survivors. Each and every individual is affected by the events and the outcome.

It is not uncommon for people to place blame upon an individual person or event when they have no experience or idea as to the cause of the existing situation. Shame, fear, guilt, and even anger require that a victim be placed upon the sacrificial alter. Sometimes the sacrifice can be a family member or friend, and in other cases such as AIDS it can even be the victim of the disease. The simple truth is that we as humans need to have a tangible object to lay the blame upon to deal with the situation.

Everyone who survives is a victim, not only because of the death of a loved one, but because no matter how hard one wishes the past to remain in the past it cannot. Too often people will choose not to discuss the past in the hopes that the less said, the easier forgotten. However harsh words or accusations can never be easily forgotten by those who were the target of the barrage. It is by far better to openly discuss or apologize so that both the target and the accuser can move on with their lives.

Another issue surviving victims have is the inclination to build defenses to protect themselves from further emotional trauma. I had and have my own defenses of which I was not aware of until this year, due to the death of my father. I have intentionally avoided becoming close to anyone since my father developed Alzheimer’s because I could not bare the burden of asking anyone to live through what my mother and grandmother had. So even when with two women I openly mentioned marriage, I was being insincere.

The fact that I might one day forget not only what I have learned and experienced, but who I am, causes me to seek out intellectual challenges. The more unknown the territory, the more I need to investigate. Not for the accolades, but to keep reminding myself that I am sane. The moments where I forget things, become distracted for no reason, or even incorrectly speak causes me severe fear and anxiety. The unknowing question of when does it begin, or how will I know has held me captive since my father’s death. It is out of this fear that I speak openly about my feelings, simply because I am afraid that one day I might forget what it is like to feel at all.

So when I spoke of marriage, it was because I cared for them a great deal. However I was also aware of the fact that at that time I would never have asked them to marry me. While it might have been wrong to sacrifice my own happiness or theirs, the memories of my father and mother haunted me. It was not until someone made me aware of the fact that the choice was not mine to make for someone else that I have begun to slowly disassemble my defenses. She has also opened my eyes to the fact that I need to embrace the past.

The past is who we once were, and allows us to determine who we will become and where we will go in the future. Alzheimer’s robs people of their pasts, and that might be the cause as to why they no longer remember who they are. As a result I do not deny my past. Instead I welcome those from my past to journey forth with me. Those who choose not to accompany me are allowed to go their own way. Those that choose to come along for the ride are welcome because they help me to remain anchored, and ensure that I continue to strive to better myself. The ones who can remind me of my unsavory past but choose not to are my friends, but the ones who attempt to hold me back are simply left behind.

In this way I choose not to be a victim to my past, nor to Alzheimer’s. I have instead chosen to embrace my past and enjoy my future in order for me to have the inner peace so many others continuously seek. For those of you who are victims, I ask that you embrace your past, but do not allow it to weigh upon you. Know where you have been, and where you are going in life. Only then will you know your true self and true worth.

If it is one thing I have learned through the experience of Alzheimer’s is that the past, no matter how unsavory, should not be completely forgotten. It is easier to place defenses before us, but defenses also entrap us. Life is filled with pain and joy and laughter, but it is also accompanied by loss and sorrow and guilt. To live is to experience life, for better or worse. Even though my life has not been entirely pleasant, I still intend to enjoy its remainder. And as an individual with an unsavory past, I rely upon it for two reasons. It reminds me of how much I have accomplished and how far I have yet to go. It also helps me to define the entity which is me at this moment, for better or worse.

Unfortunately only those of you who have survived the effects of Alzheimer’s disease might understand my meaning. In any case, do not remain the victim. Instead become victorious by continuing to live beyond the experience.

Today I went out of town to meet with a vocational counselor. We had previously scheduled the appointment at my request. Since I was considering sacrificing certain aspects of my life and work to possibly return to college, I was concerned that I might be making a mistake since the decision was based primarily upon emotion.

I was required to take two tests - the “Strong Interest Inventory”, and the “Myers-Briggs Type Inventory". The Strong Interest Inventory test revealed that my interests lie primarily in the Investigative and Artistic Themes. The MBTI test revealed that I had an “ENTP” preference.

Extraversion – Attuned to the external environment (E)
Intuition – Focused on the “big picture” (N)
Thinking – Logical and analytical (T)
Perceiving – Flexible and spontaneous (P)

“People with ENTP preferences usually enjoy considering all of the possibilities suggested by new challenges. They are generally able to connect the routines of everyday life to a bigger-picture context, and can use this insight for making complex, technical decisions. Their work responsibilities often involve making prototypes, developing long-range plans, and communicating technical information.”

The combined results of the two tests suggested the following list as being excellent career opportunities for me to explore.

Photographer (I actually enjoy digital photography as a part-time hobby)

Computer Programmer/Analyst (Programming is something I would like time to pursue)

College Professor (The ability to share knowledge with eager minds would be rewarding)

Engineer (Only if it was in the field of research or prototyping)

Psychologist (Although I enjoy exploring the psyche, my passion lies elsewhere)

Musician (Previously a musician with the trumpet, and an occasional guitar chord)

Marketing Executive (I believe this is where being a business owner reflects upon me)

Lawyer (I admit that I enjoy confrontations and legal arguments)

The list of Secondary choices ranged from Actor to Writer, which also included corporate management.

It was surprising to see how the combined results appeased both my emotional and intellectual aspects of my personality. While the primary choices were in many ways accurate, the secondary choices were only fifty percent correct in my perspective. The fact that the results revealed that my personal survey of myself was accurate affirmed that the new direction I am considering might be the next required step in my evolutionary growth. However it was even more informative to learn just how much can be gained in understanding one’s self based upon the development of these new tests.

This evening I had a short, but very enjoyable instant messaging conversation with Michael Zeltner. For those of you who are familiar with Plone, you will recognize the name. Those of you unfamiliar with Plone, Michael Zeltner was the man behind the CSS Development for NASA’s Maestro Headquarters web site. The web site is the on-line location where people can keep abreast of the Mars Unmanned Exploration reports, or so I interprete. The web site was developed using Plone, and Michael was the developer of the CSS Stylesheet which gives the web site its combined artistic and professional appearance. Michael is also a Partner in Netalley Networks.

I contacted Michael today, to ask him if he wouldn’t mind possibly giving me some pointers with the styling of Plone 2 for the community I volunteered to assist. I was surprised to find later the same day a response from Michael stating that he would be willing to chat with me via instant messaging, since he resides in Vienna and I in the United States. For those of you who do not know me, it is not uncommon for me to attempt to directly contact anyone regardless of skill or position. Because Michael was so quick to respond I immediately messaged him to thank him for whatever assistance he could lend.

Michael is a young man with considerable skill in Cascading Style Sheets, and is very aware of that fact. However he displayed absolutely no arrogance because of his skills. In fact, Michael somewhat reminds me of myself. His quick wit and desire to mix humor with work is something I found enjoyable and entertaining. Michael is capable of delving deeply into a technical issue, and then suddenly catching you off-guard with a humorous quip relating to something he just said. Michael is also someone who openly displays his integrity. In his e-mail response, Michael specifically detailed what he would and would not do based upon a criteria he set forth. I had absolutely no problem in accepting his terms because unlike other experiences, with Michael I knew the “rules of engagement” before the first contact.

It was in a way invigorating chatting with Michael. His willingness to share in his knowledge, his humor, and his courtesy made the communication effortless. When I openly disclosed to Michael that I had only six months experience in html, and a couple weeks with stylesheets, his praise of what I had done with Plone was unexpected but appreciated. His chastisement for my attempt to create a single complete stylesheet for the Plone User Interface was accompanied by a comical side remark. However his admission that I was somewhat on the correct path is something that amounts to a great deal to me after having seen the work he has done himself with stylesheets.

We ended the short chat session due to the time zone difference, and Michael’s need to get some sleep. Whether or not I ever have the opportunity to chat with Michael again, I consider Michael to be among those in Computer Technology who truly represent the future. While there are interactions with others which do not result in a pleasant experience, the few where one can gain in knowledge and experience make collaboration worthwhile.

The other morning, Thursday I believe, I received a strange telephone call. Now I had begun working at 5 AM, so when I received a telephone call around 7:45 AM I was surprised. The person who had called was a woman. She asked for someone, but I can no longer remember the name. I informed her that there was no one here by that name, and she must have dialed a wrong number. She asked me my name, and I told her. She immediately confirmed that she had dialed the wrong number. I waited politely for her to apologize, excuse herself, or simply disconnect. Instead the tone in her voice changed to somewhat wistful, as she kept randomly repeating that she had dialed the wrong number. With absolutely no clue myself as to how to proceed, I simply acknowledged her statements with agreement. However within my mind I was thinking, “Um, yes. We have acknowledged that fact already I would think. Can we simply move onto a new topic of conversation now?”

After five to ten minutes had transpired, and the woman did not appear to be in the least bit interested in hanging up or discussing anything besides how she had contacted me, I decided that it was time for me to return to work. I wished her luck in dialing successfully the next time, said I had to go, and politely disconnected. It is entirely possible that she interpreted my actions as being rude, but a person can only remain on the telephone for so long with nothing to say.

Even as I write this I wonder what occurred to cause her tone of voice to change from cordial to wistful? I also wonder why she appeared to be content to simply remain on the telephone with me? Then again I tend to attract strange encounters with the members of the opposite sex, so I guess that I should be used to such things by now?

It seems as if I can no longer remember just exactly when I started putting in the extra hours. I remember that I did over the summer. However I simply cannot recollect exactly when recently I began to work sixty plus hour weeks again. The fact that I tend to break things is usually the first indication that I am approaching the limit of my endurance. When I state that I break things, it is not in a fit of rage, but simply by accident. Although I do not consider myself to be an extremely strong man physically, I find that when I am overly tired I can no longer accurately judge my physical actions. If I attempt to grasp something in my hands in my present condition, the end result is usually far from pleasant. I remain unclear as to whether it is my inability to focus which results in my exerting too much force, or that I simply cannot recognize that what I hold in my hands in fragile. I once in this condition picked up a CPU, and it ended up with me spending six hours straightening 39 pins.

On Friday, I began to redesign the layout of my web site. I recoded the html and stylesheet so that updates would be simpler. I also added new pages, and relocated a few. I added the section for recording artists, but I have no idea as to how long it may remain. I have also finally provided a list of links to those who have helped me in my research, and still have quite a few links to add before it is completed. I also volunteered to assist an on-line community with a design layout, and am awaiting their response. However I find myself now having second thoughts.

The community is built using Plone 2 which is a rather interesting technology. Plone is based upon Zope and Python, both of which I know absolutely nothing about. It is Open-Source, and in many ways seems to live up to it’s advertising. The installation process is incredibly simple, and includes it’s own server. However the User Interface is far from easy. Although Plone allows users to modify the Interface through the application itself, it isn’t necessarily the easiest method to assimilate. The stylesheet(s) appear to be divided into layer specific types, and are not stored as CSS stylesheets. Instead they are stored as DTML, which is a Markup Language I am unfamiliar with of course. The customization methodology of Plone might or might not be simple. I have no idea at this point in time because I cannot make hide nor hair of it. Then again, Plone is the first portal app I have actually taken the time to look at for more than a few minutes. However I do wonder if instead it would have been easier for me if the community was built upon Mamba or PHP Website?

The fault, if there is any, does not rest in the development of Plone. It lies within myself. Every time I begin work in a new area I go through a period of anxiety which lasts about two weeks. The unfamiliarity makes me question myself which is not necessarily a pleasant experience. However once I become accustomed to seeing the code, patterns begin to image in my mind’s eye. Slowly things begin to make sense, and then I begin to understand the fundamentals of the technology. Since I just went through this anxiety with PHP and stylesheets, I decided to ignore my anxiety by downloading the page so that I had literal stylesheets to work with in Notepad. Sadly, even though I was able to achieve some modicum of success, I find that just as with WordPress’ Admin Interface, I cannot center the portal.

So I spent several hours getting anxious with Plone on Saturday, until I suddenly realized that I couldn’t read any of the text clearly anymore. I walked away from the computer and spent the next couple of hours out window shopping for the upcoming Christmas season. I did not return to work until this afternoon to make up for the time I lost, and it was today where I achieved some success with Plone. However I still find myself questioning not only why any developer would wish to convert a stylesheet, but whether I am actually capable of redesigning their layout. It is my hope that once the anxiety settles, I will be able to complete what I originally set out to do, which was to provide some assistance to those in need.

As someone who is tossed about from one project to the next, and one language to another, I usually find myself quite lost and confused at times. This morning I was not only lost, but seriously frustrated and angry with Microsoft over the Information Bar and Pop-Up Blocker in Internet Explorer 6.0 which was installed in Windows XP Service Pack 2. I was frustrated because I was working on revisions to the web site since 5 AM, and have had to continuously click on the Information Bar to allow javascript to run when previewing the pages. I was angry at Microsoft because the changes in Settings which should disable the features to function did not have any effect. I became even more frustrated and angry when I attempted to search the Microsoft Knowledge-Base for information to totally disable these features. The reason for my temper beginning to get the better of me was due to the fact that there apparently is no way to remove or disable these features from functioning on a local level.

So after attempting a few avenues of help, which failed badly, I found a web site which provided steps as a workaround for the problems I was experiencing, and the reasons for it. The reason that there was no nformation was because the fault was not solely due to Internet Explorer, but with the new secuirty changes brought about by Service Pack 2. It seems that the “Local Machine Zone Lockdown” ignores the security settings in Internet Explorer. I honestly cannot state for certain that this is factual since I have only my personal observations to go on at this point in time. There is an article which discusses the new security changes on the local machine at Microsoft’s MSDN web site, but I have yet to read it now that I know what to look for, and that it exists. However I do know that it suggests at least two workarounds, and I will explore a third as well. The two workarounds which are in the article were actually taken from WinXPTutor.com

The first was to change the document’s file extension from “htm or html” to “hta". Well I did so, and found that I was now running an executable application. In simple terms, the browser controls are no longer visible, and this might or might not hinder testing of the documents. Personally I just found it distracting since I was expecting a browser interface. The second workaround is to place a “saved” comment in the page along with a string value referencing the URL. I have no idea what this means since I cannot remember ever having previously encountered string values in conjunction with a URL in a web document. I also found this method cumbersome because it required additional lines of code. The fact that both methods meant that once testing was completed you were required to revert the documents to their original state was what I felt as being something akin to “beating a dead horse", to use a cliche. Simply put, why would anyone want to use extra steps when development is long enough a process when everything works right the first time? And it has never worked right the first time for me.

So I sat down and sipped my cup of coffee and smoked a cigar, the kind that resemble cigarettes, and thought that I had to figure out an easier method. One that required almost no effort, and little thought. It was then that I decided that it might simply be easier to create a virtual directory, or web site, on my local machine to circumvent the new security changes.

I already have both Apache and IIS 5 running on a workstation specifically for development purposes. I quickly went into the Administrative Interface of Microsoft’s Management Console, and accessed IIS. I right-clicked in the Default web site, and assigned a new virtual directory to be applied to the directory where the documents I was working on this morning were stored. Now I was able to load the pages into Internet Explorer via TCP/IP, and found that the Information Bar and Pop-Up Blocker were now gone.

While initially this workaround does not disable the Information Bar or Pop-Up Blocker when previewing through a web documents editor such as DreamWeaver or FrontPage, it still works for me. Since some editors are able to “Undo Changes” even after saving, I simply save. I then preview by connecting to the documents via TCP/IP by using an HTTP address for the documents. If everything is successful, I do not have to go back and change any file extensions, or remove and lines of code. In fact, all I need to do is upload the entire directory as is since it is already functioning correctly.

Although those of you who do not wish to save might find the extra steps necessary, I do not. If those of you developing in a Windows Environment would like an easier method, you might wish to use a virtual directory.

I have decided to provide some tutorials in some of the areas I am familiar with concerning various fields and technologies. I have also agreed to assist a promotion agency which promotes established and up and coming recording artists by occasionally allowing banners to be placed upon the web site. I will not be receiving monetary reimbursement for the banners which allows me full control as to who I wish to place upon the web site. Since music has always been my first and foremost love, I agreed to assist them because I am well aware of just how hard it is for new bands to receive exposure. It is rather strange when I consider the fact that I just accidentally stumbled across a draft of a letter I had been writing some time ago to an Indie band who had contacted me for assistance. I’ve always enjoyed helping out bands and musicians, and even miss it at times.

The link to the tutorial section is: Tutorials

As I enter this post, I find myself not necessarily in the best or worst of moods. Over the weekend I have been getting up at 2 AM, and working until 8 PM in an attempt to get a week’s worth of work accomplished in three days. I actually found myself going on-line seeking distractions just to keep awake. Normally a weekend like this would be nothing particular to write about, if it weren’t for the message which I received. It was from a female acquaintance that I once knew, but never dated. It seems that she was mad at me because there was a rumor being spread about the two of use once having dated. Although I was a little offended that she would be mad over my ever having dated her, I was confused as to what I was supposed to do about the issue since she already knew that it was not I that started the rumor. I guess that she just had to have someone to blame, and to vent her frustration at some type of target? Needless to say that I’m not in a hurry to hear back from her, nor do I intend to send her a Christmas card.

However this reminded me, as well as a recently negative correspondence via another’s blog, just how subjectively people tend to choose their targets. Simply because I use Microsoft Products does not make me an employee of Microsoft. I use Sun’s Products as well, and I have yet to receive a paycheck from them either. I use Novell Products, and still no check in the mail. I use Open-Source, but of course that check will never be forthcoming since the products are free. So even though I am not employed by any company, if I happen to mention the name Microsoft in the wrong crowd, suddenly the comments become somewhat personal towards me. Sadly, the Internet allows people to be openly belligerent with little chance of repercussions, whereas I am an individual who believes in direct confrontation. Because I cannot physically confront the commentors, I have instead had to try to understand their motivation and belligerence.

It is surprising as to just how much we as individuals tend to reveal of ourselves when hidden in the cloak of anonymity. The ability to hide behind a username allows some individuals to act out with malicious intent, such as those who write virus programs. There are those who simply relish in causing emotional distress in others because of something lacking in their own lives, such as the resident rectums located in chat. Then there are those who simply believe that they must enforce their ideals upon others because to them it is the only way. What is surprising is that this type of ideology was previously identified to be found in religious cults. However on the Internet it seems that this type of religious fervor exists where one would least suspect it, the Open-Source Community.

The Open-Source Community is a vast and wonderous land of potential which might one day dictate how mankind collaborates with each other. However that day is not today. While the intent and purpose of Open-Source is to share both ideals and technology, it also harbors a significant minority who tend to believe that their way is the only way to exist. The Open-Source Community consists of a considerable number of technologies and operating systems. There is Tomcat, Mambo, Apache, DotNetNuke, PHP, MySQL, SQL Lite, BSD, and Linux to barely scratch the surface. Microsoft itself has finally begun to post Open-Source Projects at SourceForge.Net. Sun Microsystems already supports Open-Source, and Novell as well with it’s use of Linux. Unfortunately there are still those who will openly express negative remarks towards Microsoft and Windows users. While I cannot speak statistically, my personal experience lists more Linux users as the ones to initiate personal conflicts.

First, let me make this perfectly clear to all who read this post. There is nothing wrong with Linux, or Linux users. I, myself, have RedHat, Mandrake, and SuSE versions of Linux. I would also have OS-X, if Apple was willing to provide me the operating system for my research as so many others have done already. The issue of whether Linux or Windows is better is not relevant to me personally or professionally. The relationship between Linux and SCO matters to me professionally, but has no bearing whatsoever as to the quality of Linux. This post has nothing to do with who or what is better. It has to do with why individuals in the Open-Source Community feel the need to instigate conflicts when by all appearances Open-Source is beginning to win the war against proprietary software?

The reason is psychological. Since I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor have I ever received formal training in either, all my conclusions are based upon personal observations and are meant purely as food for thought.

No matter how analytical we would like to perceive ourselves, our lives are dictated by our psychological profiles. Behavioral psychology provides us with the understanding of why we do what we do when exposed to certain environmental variables. Psychological profiling categorizes the generalized type of personality we appear to possess. If we combine this information and apply it to those who rely upon computers, we should find that the use of a computer and a username only seems to allow submissive traits to become more dominant due to the perception of remaining anonymous.

When Linux was first developed, based upon Unix, it was indeed considerably more stable and reliable than the existing version of Microsoft Windows at that time. Because of this many unhappy Windows users adopted not only the Linux operating system, but openly voiced that they had found a better platform. Today the overall differences between Linux and Windows is considerably less than in the beginning. However the war between the users of the two platforms has not changed.

What is rather interesting about this war between the users of the platforms is that there are those among the new recruits who have no idea as to why they are actually fighting. Over the past two years I have had open discussions with students who have proclaimed Linux to be a better platform. Of the students located in my area, the majority of the ones willing to allow me to examine their systems were still running Windows ME or XP Home. Regardless as to what they were actually using, all began their praise of Linux due to the number of crashes or freezes they experienced. Out of the number of students, only a handful were not using brand name systems, and very few were savvy enough to actually install and run Linux. When actually asked to list the steps required to maintain any computer system; i.e. file and partition verification, defragmentation, virus checking, less than ten percent could answer correctly. So the choice of Linux was actually not based upon any technical knowledge, but on what the user had read or heard via the Internet.

The resulting information was profoundly interesting in that it displayed that decisions were not being made based upon common sense or logic, but upon irresponsibility. The students wanted perfect running systems, but did not want to perform maintenance. The students who drove said that they did know and expect that maintenance was required on their cars. They also said that they would not fly if the planes were not properly maintained. And yet they expected their computers to maintain themselves. It is possible to automate most maintenance tasks, but the majority of the students failed to ever take the time to use the Help files, tutorials, or even on-line resources or web sites. The end result is that even if the fault in their system’s performance was due to their neglect, they believed that the blame lay with Microsoft because that is what they had heard or read on the Internet.

The question as to which is the better product is irrelevant in this post. What is relevant is the need for people to place blame on someone else for their own improprieties. No matter what operating system you are running, it is not the operating system’s responsibility to maintain itself. The same is true of the Internet. Daily people whine and cry about SPAM, and yet the majority has failed to band together to demand that their ISP’s deal with the situation, and the ISP’s are not openly co-operating to restrict SPAM. So if the operating system is not to blame for a number of the complaints, who is?

The majority of system errors are not caused by hardware or software failure, but by operator ignorance. However as human beings we tend to not want to accept the responsibility for our actions when the results are disasterous. Instead we feel the need to place blame on the provider. If the economy suffers, it is the government’s fault. If a relationship fails, it was the other person’s fault. If the computer crashes, it was the developer of the operating system, or the manufacturer of the system who was at fault. No matter what the circumstance, it can never be our fault.

As a result of this typical psychological behavior there exists a public conflict between users of different brands of computers, and different operating systems. Even if one brand and one operating system was proven to be better than all the others, there would still be a war. It is not a question of fact, but of personal perspective and objectivity. There are the personality types which are weak by themselves and angry, but need to be surrounded by others to feel strong. There are those who are weak both alone or in a crowd, and simply accept whatever is placed before them. There are those who are strong as long as they have others who follow. There are those who refuse to conform to any group mentality. Then there are those who are capable of independence, but can just as equally work within a group. What this all resolves to is that even in the use of computer technology the majority of users are being dictated by their emotions instead of by their intellect. Surprisingly enough, this is even true the more technically knowledgeable the user. Unfortunately marketing strategists are already aware of this fact, and as such play to these emotions in the hopes of generating sales.

So although it seems as if everyone in business is aware of these facts, the computer users tend to appear ignorant of this information. The fact that there are debates over J2EE and .NET, Linux and Windows, Apple and an X86, simply shows that very few are aware of the truth. The truth is that there is no one product or one technology which does it all. The choice should be based solely upon the individual or business needs, and not upon the hype. However in order to admit this to one’s self would mean the willingness to accept a certain amount of self-responsibility. And just how many of us want to admit to ourselves that we are more emotional than we think, or that our decisions are colored by our perspectives and not necessarily the facts? The most profound question of all, which I doubt will be answered in my lifetime, is with all the available choices to pick from, why is their a need for some of us to argue or dispute?

I wonder just how many of us, if we truly took a good hard look at ourselves, would be willing to admit that we are controlled by our emotions and behavior instead of the other way around?